The women I work with are proactive as they prepare for birth, they’re coming to pregnancy yoga classes, they’re attending antenatal education, reading books and getting clued up on feeding choices.
They’re working on their mindset, some are hiring doulas and independent midwives to give themselves the best possible chance of a positive birth experience.
And still…very sadly, sometimes they do not experience one at the end of it all.
So what do they do next? When they are left trying to process what has happened while looking after a vulnerable newborn and recovering physically from birth?
It’s tough. Sometimes women take the blame themselves – “if only I had done this or chosen that.” Sometimes they blame the maternity system or the professionals who supported them.
And often it’s never one thing that we can pinpoint which makes it so hard to process.
So if you find yourself in that situation, first of all, I’m so sorry. Everyone deserves to experience birth in a way that leaves them feeling empowered and strong. And if you haven’t, here’s some thoughts to let you know that there is support out there to help you process your experience, to help you move forward and focus on the wellbeing of yourself and your baby in the present moment.
It’s Okay to Feel Disappointed
Maybe you knew that birth was unpredictable but you still had dreams of birthing a certain way and that didn’t happen. Now you’re left with mixed emotions and maybe even thoughts that you should just be grateful that you have a healthy baby.
But you matter too.
Remember that two things can be true – you can be grateful for your baby and still be disappointed about how your birth unfolded. Sitting with those thoughts can be difficult but is much needed to help you move forward.
You’re Not Alone
Sometimes it can feel like you are the only one who has had a rough ride through birth and that can feel really lonely. But sadly around 1 in 3 women find their experience of labour traumatic and around 4-5% of women develop PTSD after giving birth – and these are just the ones we know about that come forward to ask for support.
You’re not alone means:
- Your feelings are valid
- Your experience matters
- Your pain is real
- Your healing is possible
Maybe you will find it helpful to talk with other mothers with similar experiences, whether that is online or in person.
There are online communities that specialise in support for difficult births and The Birth Trauma Association offers peer supporters who have their own difficult experiences and can talk with you.
Healing Starts with Understanding
Some women find that obtaining their detailed medical notes can help them to understand what took place during their birth. This is especially helpful where pain relief or other medication may have blurred the experience and left you needing to fill the gaps. You can request these directly from the hospital you gave birth at.
Another option is to book in for the birth afterthoughts service which is provided by the hospital. It gives you a chance to ask questions about your experience and understand further what you went through and why. However, this appointment usually takes place at the hospital which some women find hard to revisit so soon.
Alternatively you can look to book a birth debrief session with an independent professional. Depending on the level of support needed you could choose to hold this with a doula, counsellor or psychologist.
Processing Your Experience
We all process experiences in different ways and for some of us writing or journalling can be a really therapeutic process. Even if it feels like you have nothing to write just give yourself a few minutes until something comes and let it all out.
Talking therapies can be more helpful for others, whether that’s with a close friend or family member or a professional.
Healing won’t be a straight line, chances are there will be twists and turns along the way. So celebrate the good moments, ask for support where you can and above all, take it slow and be gentle on yourself. You’ve been through a lot.
Professional Support is Available
Experiencing a difficult birth or even birth trauma is not something that needs to be swept under the carpet – help is available.
Your first stop might be your health visitor or GP who can refer you for further support and therapies such as CBT or EMDR. You can also self refer through Steps2Wellbeing https://www.steps2wellbeing.co.uk/easy_ways_to_refer/
If you are able to pay for support, I have seen mothers have great results with the 3 Step Process which focuses on releasing fears around birth trauma. Private practitioners will also be able to offer CBT and EMDR therapies. If you would like local recommendations for these please get in touch.
Bonding with Your Baby
A difficult birth can make it harder to bond with your baby to begin with, but please be reassured that your birth does not define your mother-child relationship. If you’re feeling a disconnect, or not feeling that immediate rush of love, please know that this is more common than you might think, and it’s not your fault.
If you were deprived of immediate skin to skin contact or any opportunity for the golden hour(s), remember that you can practice these bonding activities at any time, they will always remain beneficial to both you and your baby.
Baby massage can also be a helpful practice to promote physical connection and relaxation for both of you while using a baby carrier can help to keep your little on close throughout the day.
Focus on little moments of connection throughout the day if any of these feel too difficult to begin with.
Looking Ahead: Future Pregnancies and Births
It’s natural to feel apprehensive about future pregnancies after a difficult experience. But processing what has happened can help you move forwards towards healing and preparing for future positive pregnancies and births.
Many women who experience difficult births find that their subsequent birth is a very healing experience. Their increased knowledge can lead to feeling more in control and previous experiences can result in clearer preferences and stronger self-advocacy.
There is no timeline for healing, so know it’s ok if you’re not ready to think about future pregnancies.
You Are Strong, You Are Capable
Birth is one of the most difficult physical, mental and emotional challenges we will ever face. If you are struggling to process the birth you have experienced know that’s ok. The disappointment won’t always feel this raw. Remember that you’re stronger than you know, and you’re doing an amazing job.
Resources and Further Reading
Birth Afterthoughts University Hospitals Dorset: uhd.birthafterthoughts@nhs.net
Birth Afterthoughts Dorset County Hospital: maternity.reflections@dchft.nhs.uk
The Birth Trauma Association: https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org/
PaNDAS UK (Postnatal Depression Awareness and Support): https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/
Steps2Wellbeing: https://www.steps2wellbeing.co.uk/easy_ways_to_refer/
Why Birth Trauma Matters, Emma Svanberg
If you require any further support or just a listening ear please do get in touch, you don’t have to be alone in this process.
Jenna x
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